The cure has been found ! the world is safe from the krump infection !
The cure has been found ! the world is safe from the krump infection !
Do you remember Jemma that young spunky reporter that got infected while on scene reporting on the krump? Well her bosses at new news have been contacting me for the past week about doing a news piece on me. They say that I’m the only person that looks like they are actually getting close to finding the cure. But that’s like telling a dog it’s good at sniffing your crotch. The people searching for the cure on mainland are probably working for the government. The same government that take the Krumpers and use them for their own selfish needs. They probably don’t want to find the cure.
Well I finally said they could come to report on me, on one condition, Jemma is the one that comes and they agreed. So she is coming tomorrow.
I’m excited to see her, I have watched the footage of her so many times. Jade has started to get a little jealous, she said “you have watched that footage more times than Kanye West has watched his own music videos”. She is right I have watched it a lot, but my interest is the Krump. You could say the krump is my cruel mistress. Like that last spoon full of ice cream you know you shouldn’t have because you already feel sick, but you have it anyway because you can’t resist its cold vanilla taste… Man I wish he had ice cream on this island.
Jade is getting worse and worse by the day. Her dance moves have become less coordinated, she has gone from well-formed dance moves, to looking like a bear getting its belly tickled.
This is a clear sign that things are getting worse. I have decided to do the first human test on her tomorrow, with the cameras here. I need to act quickly to save Jade and I’m pretty sure I’ve got it but I will not know until I do the test.
I’m getting so near to the cure guys keep sending in your footage ! #igotthekrump
I am going to talk about the footage that you, the people on mainland have sent to me. These videos have been lots of help in my efforts to finding to the cure, but I’m still not there I still need more footage.
The first video
This video was taken in some sort of super market. It appears to be a couple, still out together trying to find food for a meal together. they are obviously using their time well before the containment squad take them. The best thing about this video is the people in the back. They rightly avoid walking into the krumpers, but they look scared as if they would choose to infect them.
Thank you Lex and Heather for your upload.
The second video
A video filmed at work it looks like. The krumper is still at work despite having the krump. This is a great show of human strength to be able to carry on with day to day life with the infection. I wonder how the costumers react to her when she is serving them.
Thanks Molly for your upload
The third video
This is a video I pick up on-line. Its the infection spreading through a retirement home. I thought this video hits home the most about the infection. These people have lived out long lives and they just want to relax but they can’t because the krump won’t let them.
Im close to the cure, I can feel it. I need more help from all of you, please send in your videos of you, or your friends krumping so I have more to research!
I never normally post more than once a day, but I have just been sent footage stolen from the containment squad! Apparently the are pretty slack on their computer security.
Every containment squad officer has a body camera on, so that they are monitored when they are out collecting krumpers. I have the footage from one of them when they got deployed on Sunday.
The footage shows how incompetent and dim witted they actually are and it also show what happened when they decided not to take Jemma Ballroom.
Share the footage quickly before it gets taken down !
With news on a new outbreak coming to light, I thought I would talk a little more about my personal experiences with living with the krump, just to help many of you who may have been effected by someone who has the infection.
Firstly, don’t get down about it… I let my wife’s infections get to me for a few weeks at the start, it really took a strain on our relationship and I was losing faith in myself, would I crack and lose my patients and my wife? I spent a few days alone crying listening to Sinead O’connor but then I realised I was being ridiculous and took a good, long, hard, deep look at myself, ate some of my darn good cereal and realised what I am capable of.
I realised my wife is still the same, we can still talk, and I guess a burning question for many is do we still keep it alive physically? Well actually now more than ever. Seeing as she has to wear protective clothes it’s meant we have tried new things – all hail the inventor of latex, need I say more.
Losing my social life was hard but I reached out to books and now feel I’m full of knowledge I would have never of known if I hadn’t been in captivity. So there is light in all darkness… I bet you didn’t know a pigs orgasm lasts up to 30 minutes (I know where my next scientific ventures will be).
But my most important piece of joy giving information is to make light of the situation (your family member or friend will not like this at first but trust me it’s hard not to laugh together after numerous attempts). Play music which matches the theme of the krumping – complement your friend on their moves. Alternatively you can make it look like they are dancing to anything, which becomes almost a game for me at times. My wife hates heavy metal, more of a jazz girl, however I can bash out some loud Nine Inch Nails and she has to dance regardless. She hates me at first but when I start to laugh so does she and most of the time I join her dancing.
So although the krump has hit many people hard and some of you may find it hard to deal with – like anything, there are ways around it, so don’t worry and please feel free to come to me for any words of wisdom. We are in our fourth year of krumpmania on this island and we still manage.
I’m closer to the cure than I have ever been, I’m even closer to it than I was to Jason Donovan when I sat next to him in the cinema (it was lord of the rings the twin towers if you were thinking of asking, and he didn’t look impressed if you was thinking of asking that too). After seeing the strength of Jemma Ballroom on the new news report I have been inspired to work harder at finding the cure.
For this test I have changed a few molecules to the actual infection itself, making it a weaker strain of infection. I have done this in the hope the infection will that already inhibits the body will take on the new infection, altering the whole infection and making it weaker so that the white blood cells are able to kill the infection.
I did the test on an infected cow
The cow had been infected for around 5 month and had just shown signs of reaching the sweat stage and I can tell you know a sweaty cow, is not the most pleasant of odours. It is important that my tests are on the infection while it is in the sweats stage, as this where the infection is at its strongest.
I administered the test and it worked the cow. It stopped krumping and the sweats all dried up but after 30 seconds the cow started to show signs of overheating. Were it would normally sweat to cool off, it couldn’t and this resulted in the cow being burnt alive.
My results have shown that adding a different strand of infection to the already existing infection does make the subject stop krumping. But it has the adverse effects, making them unable to regulate body temperature.
Krump-a-way Test 7
Remember to keep sending in your videos of the krump infection, it’s the only way I can study it more from a safe distance and you’ll be helping me cure my wife and the rest of the world.